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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I was completely in love with a girl during high school. Though we went out she was madly in love with another. We went our different ways, I married, with children, she married, with children. She divorced after twelve years and I, after seventeen. I met up with her again last year, (1998), and have been seeing her exclusively. She was coming off a big time love affair when I met her. He is trying to nudge back in and she tells me I am brave to be hanging around. My question is should I Îhang aroundâ? I believe I really do love her.
A - Dear Peter,
Dear Peter......I believe you when you say that, ăI believe I really do love her.ä What you are working with is not only the irremediable Îhalo effectâ, but also the memory of your feelings for her.....at the time you first knew her,.....AND the intervening years of you own personal disappointments. Now, letâs assume that this in one of Îthose casesâ where everything is going to work out well. (Hey, it has to happen SOME time, doesnât it?)
You and she have a behavior pattern that indicates a problem.......when you FIRST were Îcompletely in love withâ her she was Îmadly in love with anotherâ. Now that you have rediscovered each other and Îbelieve I really do love herâ. SHE is Îcoming off a big time love affairâ where the other studmuffin is Îis trying to nudge back inâ and she tells you that you are Îbrave to be hanging aroundâ. It sounds a bit to ME as if she likes excitement, and you like perilous erotic situations. Iâm not saying that these donât work, just that you have a remarkable synchronicity here.
This sounds, to me, what I call a Îmilk and cookiesâ kind of relationship. (Back a million years ago when we were all young and in high school, living at home with the folks and just getting our feet wet in the Îbig worldâ....when things went wrong we could retreat to Motherâs Kitchen for the solace of milk and cookies.......Mom always know how to make things better.........thatâs a warm and snuggly feeling that stays with us always...........and to which we hearken back in our fantasies.)
The path you took out of high school did not turn out as youâd hoped and, with the reemergence of your lady love it reanimated the memories of the possiblities youâd dreamed of then, except SHE was in love with another guy. Almost magically she has come back into your life at a time when you could sure stand to have something good happen.........except she is STILL involved with another guy. (Whatever does she MEAN when she says that you are ăbrave to be hanging aroundä? Is the guy dangerous, (there are ways of dealing with that), or is she a Îgame playerâ? You see, fantasies are wonderful, and to have your high school sweetheart back in your life can be a delight....however this is the REAL world and, while these things can...and do.....actually work out, there are a couple of things here that seem, well, odd.......and this guy, ătrying to nudge back inä is getting my attention. Youâve not seen her for about 25 years.............plenty of time for her to have developed into a full blown, manipulative, game player.
I certainly hear your wistfulness and your desire. Probably the best thing to do is to let this ride for a couple of years so you can let SOME of the Îstarsâ clear from your vision and see just who it is that you really DO have. Right now youâre just feeling all warm and fuzzy and wonderfully lucky to have gotten a second chance........you must get to a point where you can see HER dynamic. Remember, personal integrity and character are enormously important. It sounds as if you have the male tendency to rescue and make things Îall betterâ. Enjoy what you have....just be sure that you continue to be aware that what you THINK you have, and what is true in reality, may, or may not be, the same thing. I hope, for your sake, that her goals and desires are the same as yours....much good luck to you!
- Annabelle
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