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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have what is probably not that unusual a problem, yet it troubles me more than I can say. I have been living with a man for approximately 4 years now. I have two children from my first marriage and so does he. They come to us every other week (it's a week on/week off thing). This part is fine. However, when my boyfriend does not have his kids in the house he will work until all hours, then when he does come home, he will sit and watch TV for hours at a stretch.
The only time he comes up to see me during that period is if he wants cigarettes or sex. Last weekend, we had a "free" weekend - i.e. no kids, but he chose to go away on a trip with about ten of his buddies, leaving me alone. I work two jobs - a day job and I also take in two students as boarders to make ends meet. My boyfriend has a good job too but we are always financially strapped because, a.) he has to pay out rather a lot of support and day care and, b.) My ex-husband earns less than me and therefore cannot pay me anything. Thus, I need to work two jobs.
My second job at night is to cook "proper" dinners which I do, often for eight people every night and a minimum of six - this is after an 8 hour day at the office. I therefore feel that I a) work hard b) never deny my boyfriend sex whenever he wants it, c) am always there 100% in effort and 100% in time. When his kids are here, (as when mine are), I am always home as fast I can be and they can never say I am not cooking, looking after them, cleaning etc.
But when his kids aren't there, neither is he. I have tried to talk to him about this, but it usually just escalates. I have therefore resorted to writing to him about how I feel but he just throws the letters/notes in the garbage unread. There was a time of course, whenever thing I said or wrote would have been cherished but those days are gone. I realize that we are both under a lot of stress managing three jobs, a large house, four kids, two foreign students, a cat and a dog, but I feel that I deserve a
relationship in which, a.) the man talks to me, b.) wants to see me and, c.) appreciates what I say to him is valid. I don't feel I have those things now.
Our sex life is generally very good and he is very considerate in this area, so I have no complaints in this regard. One of the problems is also that his ex-wife is still is very dominant figure in his life - she controls basically what happened to their children - such as extra-curricula activities, holidays etc. I have told my boyfriend that after four years, we really should try and set up our own family traditions, things we do etc.
He wants it to be like the ĪBrady Bunchā when his kids are here, but wants to live a bachelor life when they aren't. I keep on saying that I cannot forget that he wasn't here all last week, wiping the slate clean as it were every other week - and act like nothing is troubling me when his kids are around. All four of our kids get on very well together which is a huge bonus, but still I feel that I am alone is so many regards.
What is very difficult for me is that I have always had relationships in the past wherein one talked and expressed oneself - this cold shoulder and denial of the other's feelings really sucks and I can't get used to not expressing myself. I think he would like me never to bring up my problems so that he wouldn't have to hear them. I often think that I should retaliate by going out as he does when my kids are with me - so that when his kids are here, I would not come home until after nine in the evening, let him do all the cooking etc. But frankly, how would I kill four or five hours? - my office shuts at 6:00 pm every night - there is no overtime. And also why should I have to walk the streets at night just to make a point? I would appreciate any input into this tedious saga!
A - Dear Jayne,
Iām going to make this really short. You are being used. You are selling, not only your own, but also your kids futures, for Īgood sexā. For goodness sakes, get your own place, donāt shack up with someone............and get a vibrator. Take your life back and donāt sell your soul for this twerp.
- Annabelle
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