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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My significant other and I are both in the medical field and met while working in the same hospital. At the time, he was in an unhappy marriage and, due to his profession, was forced to spend long hours away from home. I fell hopelessly in love with this man. I do not believe the relationship between us was that of sexual desire, because we did not have a sexual relationship for a long time after we met. However, an emotional bond was forming between us that we did not realize for quite a while.
Once I realized that I was having serious feelings for this man, I anguished for weeks on whether or not to make my feelings known. I did not approach him for quite awhile, because he had made no mention of being unhappy in his marriage, but something about him just gave me that feeling. He was always very appropriate, and never indicated any hint that he was interested in me.
The friendship between us grew much stronger and when I could no longer stand it, I finally confessed that I was developing an emotional attachment to him. We went to breakfast one morning and he told me quite frankly that he was very flattered , but that he didn't want either of us to be "stupid" because he had no intentions of leaving his wife at that point. This man is known for his very high level of integrity in all aspects of his life.
I understood, and we continued to be friends for quite some time. Some weeks later, during an unplanned moment when we were accidentally alone together, that moment ended in a kiss. The relationship developed from there. Still some weeks later, we ended up in a sexual encounter, that was wonderful and we both felt it was more than just a fling. I told him the next day however,that my feelings were so strong that I could not risk my heart in a situation such a this and, if he really felt as strongly as I did, he would have to return for me once he had made a decision about what was right for him, and left his wife.
I did not want him to leave her for me, because I know that the grass is never greener on the other side of the fence. It had to be his decision separate from his feelings for me. I felt this would be easier for him, if I weren't in the picture. He said he understood and we went on with our lives. I was heartbroken, but resigned to go forward and be thankful for whatever time I had spent with him before it was over.
Some weeks later, he surprised me by leaving the marriage and moving to his own place. I was a little afraid, because he was very emotional regarding the breakup initially, and I was afraid I had become the home wrecker I never wanted to be. However, as time went on and I learned more from his family, etc., I discovered he had been unhappy for many years, and was trapped in an emotionally detached marriage. I believe this to be true, and his wife did not contest the divorce, nor did she fight to retain her relationship with him, or even contact him.
We lived separately for about 6 months after which I tired of traveling in between apartments with everything I owned. I decided to move in with him. He always wanted me there and never wanted me to go home anyway, so I figured it was okay. I retained the lease on my apartment for several months however, both for my own protection, and to give him an "out" such he decide he had made the wrong decision. (This man had been married for 19 years to his wife) Everything was going really wonderfully between us, and after 5 months, I abandoned my apartment totally and decided to make it a more trusting permanent relationship. In the interim, he filed for his divorce which went through without a hitch.
Within 3 months it became necessary for him to relocate some 350 miles away on his job, and he asked me to go with him. The location would actually be a good one for me, because it would allow me to live closer to my parents for the first time in many years. However, I have grown children and grandchildren from a previous marriage, and it would remove me from some of the closeness I had enjoyed with them for so many years.
I was a very integral part of their lives and so it was a huge change for them as well. But, after much soul searching and consideration, I decided to do it. This man had professed to want to make me his wife and to love me forever, and the relationship was so special, and I believed I had gotten to know him well enough to trust him with my heart, so I went with him with joyful anticipation.
Soon after we arrived in our new home, however, our lives became much busier, and some of the intimacy we had enjoyed before was no longer possible. This was a little hard to take, and took a little of the joy out of our time here. But, I understand our profession and this happens a lot with people in the medical field. In an attempt to regain some of that romance, I began to talk about rings and marriage and the like, and much to my dismay, this man balked on me about the prospect.
He states he loves me, he couldn't be more committed to me, and wants to marry me. But he says he wants to wait until we can afford a "nice ring and a honeymoon." I don't understand this at all, because I feel the understanding about getting married soon was already established before I made my decision to leave my original home. I understand that men like to be the "hunters" but, I felt like we had already bypassed that point in our relationship and the commitment was made when I agreed to come to live with him.
He is 50 years old, and claims to want to be with me Îforeverâ. It took a lot for me to decide to venture into a relationship such as this, and I wonder now if I was the only one concerned with the seriousness of that type of commitment. I was certainly not without means, and could have afforded a "nice ring" and "trip" on my own before I ever met him. In addition, many people marry without a ring and get that later on when they can afford it. I believe this rationale is based on some fears or uncertainty about the relationship, rather than anything to do with finances.
I wished the conversation had never come up because I am very hurt and confused at this point. He never talks about plans. I did get him to say that he thought possibly next summer we might be able to "afford it." However, we certainly can afford all the other niceties that come along, so what are we talking about here? I don't want to nag about it, because who would want to marry someone if you had to cajole them into what is supposed to be a wonderful and joyous union between two people. And at 42, I don't care to spend an indefinite amount of time traveling down a vague road to nowhere, nor do I want this to turn out to be one of those relationships where the man keeps saying "someday" and you get into a push pull kind of feeling for each other.
I understand that he has only been divorced a short time, but he said in the beginning that, at his age, it was important to him that he be with the one he loves and that he be happy for the what time he had left in his life. So how important is it? (Evidently, not important enough to secure that happiness by marrying me). I do not feel like a very valuable element in his life.
In addition, we did end up having a disagreement about it one night, one that almost ended up in my moving back to my previous home. He stated to me, "So you are saying it is marriage or nothing?" I replied that I Îdidn't understand why this was even an issue at this point. At any rate, even more disturbingly, he was perfectly content to watch me go, and didn't try to stop me. He stated he loved me, and was sorry I wasn't the person I thought he was.
I ended up giving in again, because I really do love this man, and he is wonderful to me in all other aspects. But, I am very hurt and feel that, while he knows this is very important to me and that I am feeling very unsure of him, that this is not important, and he is content to let me just feel this way until he decided the time is right.
Does this sound like I am dealing with a man who is not going to marry me soon? I feel so torn that it is affecting my everyday life. There is much work to be done on our house, etc. and I am feeling like, Îwhat's the point in doing all this work, and investing all this time in him, if he has no more regard for my feelings than this?â
A - Dear Susan,
The easiest answer to ÎWhy do I feel deceivedâ, is...yes, you WERE Îdeceivedâ.....by your SELF. Read on.
Re-read your narration. MOST of this relationship, itâs beginning, etc., actually took place in YOUR HEAD.....YOU are the one who had all the feelings about it. YOU are more Îattachedâ than he.This wasnât sounding too bad, until you mentioned Îmoving inâ with him. Move out....... immediately...TODAY, if you can pull it off. (No fireworks, just DO it.). Though youâre certainly old enough and have enough experience, (in most things), to make good decisions...thereâs ONE thing you kinda missed ........You MAY be in the Îhyphenâ position. (Iâm enclosing the Îthink on these thingsâ paper on Îhyphens).
ÎHyphensâ
o.k.,......this is how this particular scenario, (usually),
works..... A person, (married), is under great stress and finds a close
friend of the opposite sex to align him/herself with as a sort of
Îrudderâ while going through turbulent times. Now, where women are of
the ÎI can fix/help himâ pattern, men are more of the ÎI can rescue herâ
belief. The added kicker is that the Îfriendâ is usually someone with a
hidden agenda.....as in Înow itâs MY turnâ (to have him/her). In
psycho-babble this person is usually called the Îhyphenâ.....i.e., the
Îspacerâ between being married and being single.
Almost NEVER does the person who has acted in the Îhyphenâ role
become a lasting part of the other personâs life. The Îhyphenâ person has served
a purpose for the Îescapeeâ and, once the Îescapeeâ person has, in fact,
become Îfreeâ again, that Îhyphenâsâ role is, (usually), finished. They
are not, (usually), seen as a Înewâ relationship, but as a bridge from
an Îoldâ relationship.
Essentially, everything you said is not so much of a problem, BUT, you have to be straight....AND firm with him.........AND with your SELF!! **IF**you want to be married, then, you simply say, ăI want to be married to YOU, and right, now I see thatâs not what you have in mind.ä And then , LEAVE. (This is not manipulation, itâs reality....If you canât back it up, donât say it.) It is, however, most likely your only chance.
ÎShacking upâ, is simply not a good idea. I once heard Dr. Laura Schlessinger put it beautifully..........âIf you wanted to go swimming, and you found a swimming pool you loved, would you dive into it BEFORE it had water in it.........even if your guy was standing there saying that he Îmight put water into it somedayâ?
That, essentially, is what youâve done........you dove into the pool ASSUMING thereâd be water in it. (Iâll just bet you were afraid to ask the Îhardâ question....i.e., ăare we getting married?ä
This may -- or may not -- be remediable. No need to be harsh...just be firm. State what YOU want. Leave. Wait. Keep busy. (Try not to eat too much chocolate).
- Annabelle
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