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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am a single female, 37 years. old, secretary of 9 years for a local construction company.I have struck up an attraction to my office manager, who is unhappily married, who is also attracted to me. We just have a great communication relationship, we are always on the same wave length, we can talk to each other about anything, we have a great time when we go out, everything's great!
But,when my boss realized we had an attraction to each other he also expressed that he had been in love with me for a long time. He started buying me expensive gifts, (which I returned). He started following me to different bars, giving me special treatment at work, calling my house. But before all this started I made it perfectly clear I had no attraction to him at all.
We all work together in the same office, Steve, (office manager), Henry, (my boss), and I. Whenever I am talking and joking with Steve, Henry gets upset and jealous, he pouts, slams things around, and finds ways to get Steve out of the office. Itās gotten to the point where they almost despise each other. Henry very seldom leaves the
office anymore, because he doesn't want to leave us alone. Also, if I don't go to the bar on Thursday night Henry will make an excuse to call Steve at home, just to see if he is home.
I like my job, the pay is good and I get full insurance, and jobs up here in this small town are hard to come by. Do you have any suggestions on how I can make this work situation more tolerable? You can sometimes cut the tension with a knife.
A - Dear Teri,
Youāre going to be lucky is all that gets cut with a knife is the tension. Youāve set up a situation there where someone could really get hurt. What are you doing spending your evenings in bars and hitting on another womanās man? If heās unhappily married, thatās between him and his wife........and, really, none of your business.
That your boss is showing you inappropriate attention is inviting a sexual harassment lawsuit. You know, if the three of you keep stirring the pot this way youāre all going to end up on the Jerry Springer show.........whatās really going on here?
You can Īmake the situation more tolerableā by tending to the work you were hired to do and by not having an inappropriate relationship with anyone where you work. Thatās unprofessional and will lead to mischief. Teri.......is your town....your LIFE......so boring that this is where your focus is? A well lived life is not a soap opera........people get hurt that way.
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
According to your answer to my last letter, I think you misunderstood me. Just
because I said I was attracted to Steve, didn't mean that I was hitting on him.
A bar is a public place, I go there ALONE, I can't help it if they follow me or see my car
there. He is just a good friend of mine, I have never done anything to
be ashamed of. His wife knows about our communicating relationship, she's not fond
of it but she's also a friend of mine, I'm just what they call an easy person to
talk to, I'm a good listener. So a lot of people come to me to talk, does that define me as
a woman who is hitting on every man that wants to have a conversation with
me? I don't feel I'M the one stirring the pot here. I've made myself perfectly clear to
both of them where I stand, especially Henry, its not my fault if he can't
except the fact that I have no interest in him. Besides that, he has a wife of 22 years.
I do tend to my work that I was hired to do, and I do it very well. But is there anything
inappropriate about having a conversation or joking and laughing with the
people you work with to help the time pass by and to enjoy your work a little easier?
Yes, my little town is boring but I'm not looking for a soap opera, I have a full
life, I have a boyfriend of 13 years, a 15 year old daughter and a hobby farm, So as you can
see I have plenty of things to focus on. I only asked for advice on how I can
make the 8hrs a day, 40hrs a week more tolerable and not boring? From what I can
gather from your answer, it seems like you are blaming all this situation on me. I
don't know how or what I have done to cause this, by just being a caring person, by
listening to other peoples problems. If that makes me a bad person, what is this
world coming too?
A - Dear Teri,
Good point. Just as you know what youāre REALLY having to deal with, the picture I get isnāt always totally accurate. Letās try this one again.
If, in your town, Īgoing to barsā is similar to the pub life in London, then thatās somewhat different than how it seemed when I first read your letter. The only problem with Ībarsā per se is that alcohol is a great disinhibitor and events can transpire that the more rational mind might avoid. Also, the reputations of Īladies who frequent barsā do not fare well in most parts of this country.
Now, at work, it sounded as if you were developing a relationship with a married man and that doesnāt sound like the Īboyfriend of 13 yearsā that youāre mentioning now. I know that, at construction companies, the men sometimes tend to be a tad more Īmaleā in their overt aggressiveness and sexual banter than in more staid types of work places, but any behavior other than professional demeanor at work can lead to the inappropriate and uncomfortable behavior as you described in your first letter.
Now, like or or not, your description of this situation does place you at the focal point of these events. As women, we are often in that situation and, whether itās fair or not, it behooves us to behave in ways that do not cause a Īdisturbance in the forceā....this is a work place, not the local bar and the behavior needs match the surround.
You are hired with a specific job description. To extend that into a co workerās personal life has led to where you now find yourself. Whenever we find ourselves in ANY situation not to our liking, one of the most useful questions is: what did I DO to contribute to this? You are not a Ībadā person, however the situation you described indicates that your behavior has been inappropriate and not contributory to your own well-being. (Is that just possible?)
- Annabelle
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