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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I haven't ever done this before, because I've been through 'Dear Abby' type columns and never felt that the advice giver was worth his/her salt. But after going through your archives, I am really in need of some good advice from you.
I'm 26 years old, and am very well educated, have an excellent job, am fully independent, and making it in the world. My life's been good to me. I was born and raised in a strict Catholic family, and until May of this year, I was a virgin. I suddenly got desperate and got hooked on to a (telephone) chat line.
I live alone and craved company, (and not just platonic, but the whole hog). I'd moved here about a year ago and live alone. Ok. Now for the real thing. I was on the chat line for about 2 months and didn't find anyone who I was raring to meet. Then, suddenly, I talked to someone whom I wanted to meet immediately.......... I did a very uncharacteristic thing. I asked to meet him.
He said, Īsureā, and, when I said I Īwasn't into doing this and I was nervousā, he said, Īso am Iā, and gave me common sense tips to be safe, which was sweet, right? It was very good. He is very well educated, well employed, and lives at home because he is from a traditional family where the sons are supposed to be their parents right arm in their old age.
At the end of the first evening together, I was so relieved that my impulse to meet him hadnāt led me into something dangerous, that Ii reached out and hugged him and he held me close and gently rubbed my back and asked me to call him in the night.
Then I went home and called him that night and, being prone to blunt honesty, I
confessed that I had wanted more. I knew that he wanted me because of the vibes
I kept getting all evening. Since he appears to be a 'boy-next-door' type, he suppressed his urges and didn't come on to me.
Well, obviously, after I had confessed, he confessed and told me that he wanted to
see me again. So we went out the next day and well, one thing led to another and
we had sex. (I told him that I was a virgin), and said, Īquite honestly, if a woman is ready,to have sex with you 3 days after you meet her, i don't expect you to believe herā. Right? Ok. It was great. He was tender, loving, gentle, everything I've expected sex to be.
Annabelle, I am guilty of a great wrong to myself. I told him that we could be Īsex friendsā, no strings attached. We kept saying "No pressure. If either one of us wants out, then the next person moves aside and lets him pass". I underestimated my upbringing. Sex without love is meaningless. I tried to put a halt to it but was very scared when he said he'd step aside. I didn't know if I could cope without him not being there even though I'd only known him a week.
So we are back together again. And I'm finding myself falling in love with him and I don't think he sees me in that light at all. I think he thinks I'm a whore. I'm not. (Am i??) please don't tell me that I'm crazy. I don't regret meeting him. I don't regret losing my virginity to him. I regret losing my respect in his eyes.
Annabelle, I don't have an inferiority complex. I know that I could leave him and find another nice person.
Maybe.
But I don't want to. He's so good to be with. We can actually talk. We have fun together. In his words "It isn't just the sex. Although the sex is really good" He's scared to introduce me to his family and has hinted on more than one occasion how his parents want him to find a traditional girl, (read a shy virgin), and settle down. It also highlights to me what I am not.
Also, to make matters worse, I love my family very much and the fact that I am dating someone from another religion will hurt them deeply. I will have to give up much to make a go of it. He isn't deeply religious, and I used to be but lately I find myself drifting away from God and it makes me disappointed in myself.
Please help me, Annabelle. Please guide me through this. I'm not a bad person. I have friends who are supporting me through this and though they'd never hurt me, one pointed out the other day that since I was the one who said "No strings attached", I was going back on my word by getting involved, and that was under handed.
I don't feel like i can control my emotions. I mean how can you say "No. Don't love this person" to your heart?? You just canāt.
I'm going to surf this web site every minute I get, please reply soon.
Thanks
A - Dear Annie,
Annie, Annie......first of all, calm down. NO, youāre NOT a whore!...(for goodness sakes, woman, donāt be so hard on yourself!) Iām going to make the answer (relatively) brief.
Now, at 26, having been a virgin all these years, well, to put it crudely, you were -- frankly -- out to get laid. (Your mind knew it, even if you didnāt!) Hey, it happens. Youāve got a fine pedigree of education and work and it sounds as if your sense of self is in good order as well. You have a healthy curiosity and no permanent mate candidate in sight. You Īgot your feet, (so to speak), wetā.
So, now letās talk.
The sex drive is a funny thing. Almost everyone has one, (from quite mild to rampantly raging), and overlaid on that most basic of drives is a range of cultural taboos and familial traditions, on the scale from, ćDonāt you EVER!ä to, ćHey, sex is no big deal, get it on with anyone you want to!ä The reality of the situation lies somewhere in between.
Men and women are, in general -- regarding sex, -- structured (emotionally) differently. Commonly, most guys can have sex and, if they arenāt Īattachedā to any one female in particular, itās just another experience for them, ranging from convenient to mind-blowing. If a female is particularly fabulously sexually talented they tend to prefer her, but still there may be no Īspecialā attachment. (Those Īattachmentā signals come from very early programming and I wonāt go into that here).
Women may observe that men can, (seemingly), and easily have Īunattachedā sex and think, ćHey, this is pretty cool, I can do this too!ä Guess what? Sometimes, they can. BUT, usually, because the female Īwiringā is programmed for Ībondingā to a mate for the purposes of protection while childbearing, the mind kicks in with Īattachmentā beliefs. Now, obviously not everyone intends to have children as a result of having sex, but the wiring may Īkick inā, anyway. Yours did, you developed Īfeelingsā. Not unusual at all.
Now, as to your Īupbringingā. It could just be that your hidden guilt kicked in and attached those Īfeelingsā. We have no way of knowing. That you feel that HE thinks less of you because of the situation tells you about HIS Īhidden beliefsā.......(and everyone has Īhidden beliefsā in one form or another). Thatās one of the VERY big reasons that sex is put waaaaay on the back burner when you start a relationship with someone.
I mean, what if THIS person really IS Īthe oneā.........and you havenāt taken the time, not only to bond emotionally, but to build the substructure for a long and lasting relationship? I mean, there you are, with frosting all over your face (figuratively, of course,) and no cake underneath. NOW donāt you feel a bit of a fool?
Yes, sex is..........**understatement of the millennium**.............great. HOWEVER, it can cause more mischief than would ever be believed, (if one didn't read history books, watch movies or the Jerry Springer show). Life is a balance. Sex is the reward. I think you can figure out the rest.
No, this guy may not last for long. If it gets awkward, kiss him lightly on the nose and say, ćThanks, it was grandä......and move on -- wiser -- and knowing that you now know more than you did. Be more circumspect, (now you know why), know that you ARE a good person, and that youāre in the Īrightā age group to begin the search for a mate in earnest. Also, I would be remiss if I didnāt remind you that the sexually transmitted diseases are out in full force and two of them, AIDS and Hepatitis 3.......ESPECIALLY Hepatitis 3 are lethal. And thatās not a good price to pay for fun.
Keep in touch, and..........oh, yes...........stay out of Īchat roomsā. (You were lucky). .......This time.
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Thanks. I really needed that. I'm normal. I'm normal. YES!! Yes!! :- ) After writing to you yesterday, I actually felt much better and was half figuring out stuff in my mind.
I think getting it out was half the therapy. Listen to my game plan. Tell me if it sounds like the rational person I actually am: I want to make a go of it. I'm going to concentrate on building a friendship. And -- for the time being at least -- I'm going to forget
about trying to turn this into something concrete.
I got a lovely supportive email from a dear friend of mine yesterday which had a few points to ponder, the very first line had my answer. "you cannot make someone love you. all you can do is be someone who can be loved. the rest is up to them". So while I am tempted to do a 'tell all' which I know will drive him away further, because, if I confuse him any more he'll probably think "i don't even know this dame, heck, why bother??ä...........right? so lets see how it progresses. At the end of a suitable interval we'll both know if it is developing or deteriorating. In the meantime, I can work on that part of me which isn't up to par, i.e. the spiritual side. (It really means so much to me, you know). I guess one thing that's good out of this whole episode is that
I've learned never to underestimate upbringing.
So? How's that sound? :- >
Oh and Annabelle, I was a virgin -- through choice. I could havebecome sexually active sooner, (some of my friends were), but I chose not to. You're right I was out to Īget laidā. I know. It was a result of buildup. What can i say? I'm human.......and don't worry about STD's I'm well-read on that topic. Also he's very careful too, (he's a doctor), he made sure we showered, used TWO condoms each time, and was very careful and cautious. He even gently suggested i go on the pill to ease my mind.
Thanks, Annabelle. Thanks so much. I really am falling for him, he's such a honey. I have much love in my life, family, friends. I'm so lucky, really I am. But this love is so different. its a whole new ball game so to speak.............(no pun intended) ;- >
Take care of yourself, Annabelle, we need more like you,
A - Dear Annie,
It sounds as if youāre having a wonderful time. You do sound a tad impetuous.......be a bit careful you donāt crash. Good luck, have fun, be careful.
- Annabelle
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