|
|
Q - Dear Annabelle,
My husband is addicted to pornography, and has been for about 12 years. I found out about it 2 years ago. He went into therapy for 1 year, and did good. 6 months after therapy he decided to prove therapy wrong. He got back into the stuff, and I found out. I left him for a bit, then came back on my terms.
NO PORNOGRAPHY in my house. He agreed. He got into it again two weeks later.
He claims he made a mistake! I tried to kick him out. Unfortunately I have no family here. I am co-dependent and I am going to start therapy soon. Can you give me any advice on how to deal with him and my healing process? I know it will take a long time for me to get over my co-addiction.
A - Dear Denise,
You donāt say how old your husband is, but this is not good. Using the word Īaddictionā to describe this behavior is actually inaccurate. It may be more of a compulsion, an impulse disorder or a characterological disorder. Whatever the Īcorrectā term is, you donāt figure in here very well.
Iāll explain, briefly, how we, as human organisms, work. Most of the time we prefer to be in a calm, or Īrestingā state (stasis) or a state of Īlightā excitement (readiness). This can take many forms. When Ītensionā arises, any sort of tension, the organism seeks relief from the tension and a return to Īstasisā. Now, SOMETIMES organisms actually seek out stress because they (may) actually enjoy the stress....the Īround tripā is pleasurable to them. There are many, many variables here.
An infant learns early that release from tension is a good thing........IF the infant gets stuck in a developmental stage, as in the case of your husband, visually stimulating sexual material seems to need to be uploaded on a continuing basis, and a sort of quasi-addiction to the stimulus/release pattern is set up. This is simply not something you can easily deal with yourself....and something he evidently doesnāt wish to change at all.
It feels GOOD to release the tension....which will then build up to an ćI need a releaseä point again. As I said, it may be an impulse control issue and he is using this particular method to assuage his anxiety. Saying heās Īaddictedā allows him to feel that Īsomething elseā is in control and that he is the Īhelpless victimā.
Now, that YOU are enabling him to do this is what you are going to be dealing with. Youāre only 26, and, if you don't have children, you most certainly have the option of finding a more suitable man for yourself. Or, you have the option of continuing to Īvolunteerā, which is what you are doing, for a continuing role in this drama. Either way, keep in mind that this world if absolutely FULL of wonderful people just waiting to meet other wonderful people............life is NOT gleaned from flat surfaces like magazines, TV or computer screens. Life if to be LIVED and exhilarated in.....itās (usually) a thing of joy and delight.
Itās possible that, if he is willing to re-enter a therapeutic situation, and stay with the program, things may improve....they did once. By declaring yourself a Īco-dependantā you are, in effect saying that HEāS the villain and that YOU are the Īvictimā. Relationships are seldom that simple. This is a Īdance for twoā and neither of you seems to be doing very well at it. That YOU align yourself with addictive personalities is a very BIG caution sign......perhaps you can find a GOOD couples therapist. You might want to give your choices more thought.
- Annabelle
|
