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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My wife has recently become more demanding and authoritarian. She found this web site (http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/Garden/8396/) and asked me if I was willing to try it out.
The funny thing is, I find I really like it. We don't fight anymore and we consistently have great sex.
It's not S&M or anything hard-core like that. It's just now she's in charge, kind of a reversal of a normal marriage. For example, she decides when we are going to have sex.
My only concern is that my friends might find out. My wife has been discrete about it so far but I find the situation really embarrassing.
I'd never heard of this before but I'm wondering if husbandās like me are so embarrassed, maybe its more common than we realize.
Can you tell me a little more about what I've gotten into?
A - Dear Max,
Count your blessings,.......... you may, (soon), be in over your head.
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Thanks for your reply but it was rather cryptic. I do feel kind of "blessed" and I do feel like I may be "in over my head." I thought I knew my wife but she's really thrown me for a loop on this. Is this sort of thing common to your knowledge?
A - Dear Max,
I realized after I sent that answer that it was a, (very), bad pun. Now, if you're really secure in your masculinity, this new sexual adventure won't bother you and, since discussing one's private life with another is not generally a good idea, the question of anyone else finding out what the two of you are up to won't arise.
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
You're right! Thanks. I guess I needed that.
A - Dear Max,
Just remember, happiness lies not in Īhaving what you want..........but in WANTING what you HAVE.....!
Now, Rx..............relax and enjoy.........!
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
I guess I'm just feeling a little self-conscious about wanting what I have given how unconventional it is. I really am enjoying it, I just need to work on the relaxing part. I'm happy until I start worrying about people finding out what I'm so happy about.
Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I guess you do a lot of that.
A - Dear Max,
Oh,.......NOW I Īget itā.....you WANT everyone to know. You WANT to tell them. You want them to Īseeā what it is youāre so excited about. (Trust me on this one).........now, quit thinking about Īother peopleā and concentrate just on the two of you. Some things are more delicious when kept to oneself. You lucked out......now zip your lip, except in the service of Venus,.........ok?
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Et tu brute?
I am "excited about it." I do think I "lucked out." You're right about that.
But I created a fictitious hotmail account just to pose this question to you. (No, my real name is not Max.) I really don't want everyone to know.
What got me started worrying was an incident a couple nights ago: My wife's friend had brought dinner over to our house. In the course of warming up the meal, the friend spilled something and my wife told me to get the rag and clean it up. I did what she asked without thinking twice until my wife's friend made some snide comment about it. After that, I was very self conscious about doing the dishes while the friend was still at the house.
It's changed our relationship in so many subtle ways that simply zipping it is not sufficient. I think anyone who spends any amount of time with us will surely see what's going on even if they don't see the sexual connection.
It's not just about what we do behind closed doors in the bedroom. It's touched everything we do.
That is not to say that your advice is not sound. Perhaps I should just concentrate on the two of us and forget about "other people" even if they do eventually notice what's going on between us. Certainly, I'm not about to upset our new relationship.
But coming back to my original question, I guess I'd be more relaxed about that choice if I thought it was more common. Dare I say it, more "normal."
A - Dear Max,
In all of life, there is a very long Īlineā generally called a continuum, a wide latitude of what is both Īnormalā and, usually, Īacceptableā. What you are describing is neither all that unusual nor would it be considered, except by the most insecure, as Īabnormalā. That was the point of my second answer. It sounds, from here, as though youāre in a cultural surround where gender roles are rigidly, (and artificially, by the way), defined.
If you find that anyone makes comments you have several choices. Say nothing, find new friends, or show the wife the information that your wife has discovered. Of course, you could always go back to the way things were before the two of you discovered what, for you, as a couple, Īworksā.
Now, let it go and enjoy.....ok?
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
You're right again. I should not worry about what "other people" think when I have such a wonderful relationship with my wife that makes me so happy. Finding new friends is probably extreme but certainly I need to accept some measure of ridicule as a price to pay. And, as you suggest, I can always point their wife to the web site my wife found.
When my wife first suggested that I privately submit to her I was stunned but found the prospect erotic. I've since bought into it entirely. Submitting to her publicly is a bit harder pill to swallow but it seems inevitable. I should shape my life around my marriage, not vice versa.
Thanks again for taking the time to discuss this issue with me. You helped clarify the matter considerably.
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