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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have a question.........I'm a 29 year old male and my girlfriend is 39 years old, we we've been together for about 18 months, we work at the same place, we start and finish work at the same time, we have our breaks and lunches together........I love her more then anything in this world, I was once married, (now divorced with a three year old girl), and my girlfriend was also married, (four times, to real abusive men), and she has three kids, (from her second husband). The kids love me and I love the kids, ages 12, 15, and 18, (almost 19). Now when we first got together our sex life was just great, I mean we would be at it for hours.......now that we've been together for awhile itās slowed down a lot.... on my part, I love her more then anything and she is gorgeous.....everything about her is great but Iām having a problem keeping a erection.....its like I have to concentrate to have sex with her, its nothing like when we first got together.
I am under a lot of stress from work, (I have a demanding physical job working in a very hot environment, in front of furnaces reaching an excess of 3,000 degrees and through an 8 sometimes 10 hour day working with over 3 tons of steel, five days a week, sometimes six days), one thing I do do is masturbate to videos.....ever since my wife left me, (for reasons to this day I do not know??????? we never fought, I never hit her or anything, only difference between us is that she came from a rich family and was spoiled and was used to getting what she wanted when she wanted). Ever since my wife had left me I felt rejected.
Iām not an ugly duckling, I have never had problems with women, the only problem I ever had was to be shy, very shy, unless I am drinking.........then Iām outgoing. Anyway, I don't understand what is going on with me.......I don't drink that much, I smoke cigs., and three to four times a week I smoke some weed....would it help if I go to one of those sex shops and buy some of that cream that you rub on your privates and it will make you hard? (So I hear, never tried it ). It gets to the point where when Iām TRYING to have sex I start to think that, (oh no, can I get hard, will it stay hard), and stuff like that. Iām confused and I don't understand whatās going on with me.
Just to let you know I am not in anyway gay or have never thought about other men. Do you have any suggestions....can you please help me.....its driving me crazy to the point where I make up excuses not to have sex...............please help me if you can........thank you for taking the time to read this....
p.s. Does this happen to a lot of other guys? Does masturbating or smoking cigs or weed have any effect on this? Can stress from work cause this? Please help me, I don't want my girlfriend thinking that I'm not interested in her anymore.
A - Dear ruger45,
When couples are first together, say the first three years, sex is much more frequent than in the following years..thatās just natural and not at all unusual. Instead of 24 hours a day, which is tiring by any standards, it just tends to lessen a bit. I don't know what the current Īaverageā is, but if both you and she are happy, you may be over concerned. At 29, it could be that an occasional bout of impotence is upsetting you enough to have begun creating imaginary problems...(thatās not at all unusual). You are in a very macho field and may be very Īperformance orientedā......without being aware that there are many ways to have an evening of amorous adventures absent a firm penis. You are under the illusion, as are most males, that your penis is your primary sex organ and that a hard penis is the only way to produce a good orgasm in a female. You indicate that you have a very physically demanding job in the steel industry. Is it a fair bet to say that your hands...and fingers.....are of decent size? Hold those hands up in front of your face....take a very good look at those fingers. Know what? When your ladyās eyes are closed, she canāt tell what part of your anatomy youāre using........if you get my drift. Now, take a look in the mirror and stick your tongue out as far as you can....curl it, make a Īscoopā out of it...........any ideas occurring to you just yet?
Now, letās have a quick anatomy lesson here. The brain is the largest sex organ.....the pleasure area registers on the septal area. The skin, the bodies largest organ is the one that records ALL sensation, so donāt be limiting yourselves just to the immediate genital area....the mind is a wonderful playground and whatever parts are warm, moist, that move or bend, can stretch, reach or touch in any way are ALL part of your sexual apparatus. (Where you work, you have backup systems in case of fuse blows, (or something), yes?) Well, when your penis isnāt Īup to the event at handā, just switch to another appendage...good heavens.....you DO have a lot to learn! (See, this is why teenagers havenāt a clue about sex...THEY think Īsexā is just sticking a penis in a vagina and pumping away. ) ĪSexā....good sex.......is about finding out the delicious pleasures of the secrets of each otherās bodies and then sharing all the fun stuff youāve discovered. ĪSexā isnāt JUST the stuff you do in bed...itās the words you use throughout the day....itās the way you treat each other and how you share the family life. Sex is an integral part of everyoneās very existence.......if youāre doing it right.
Now, as to the mechanics of the thing...no, donāt Īgo to a sex shop and get creamsā. Trust me on this one. Why do you think thereās been such a hue and cry about Viagra? (Because itās the first thing that actually ever worked.) Did you know that you can have orgasms without an erection? I trust that your lady friend has developed her sexual skills to include some pretty terrific tricks as well. There are some wonderful videos for couples of the Īhandy hints for home useā variety. Trust me, you can learn to drive your lady wild without ever getting your reluctant penis into the action at all. Now, quit worrying and keep on being a good Īdaddy typeā to the kids..thatās really your most important role. There were other questions you didnāt ask, so just go with what Iāve told you here. (Oh, and by the way, yes, grass, (and alcohol), will slow you down).
- Annabelle
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