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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have a big problem. I am with a gentleman, who I've been with for two years. I love him very much. We talk about what it would be like for us to sleep with another woman. I'm o.k. with this, but I find myself thinking about a woman all the time now. What do I do....and where would I find a female virgin for the experence?
A - Dear Confused,
You and your gentleman friend primarily may be sex-buddies, serving each other as reciprocal means to sensual excitment. Of course you'd do other things together, but their underlying purpose would be to keep the sensuality flowing. To the degree that's true, when you say you "love him," you may mean simply that the relationship is working well on those terms; you're pleased with the results. Now, that doesn't happen to be my definition of "love." Certainly, sex should sweeten life, but there's more to us than our nerve-endings...or there should be. But if that's your definition of love -- and your internet name suggests that it may be -- no one has the right to tell you otherwise.
Iām left to wonder about the idea of a three-some. If you were still ecstatic with each other, you'd want to do whatever you're doing *more often*; you wouldn't be worried about spicing it up. Three-somes are mini-orgies. They're about variety, not about love. Whichever of you suggested this was saying, in effect: "I'm growing tired of just you. I want sex with another woman." So, if you see this relationship as something deeper and longer-lasting than just excitement --if you want to be, and to be with, more than just a sex-buddy - you may want to explore whether interest in a three-some isn't a danger signal. If you *do* want something more, know that, if you or your gentleman is the least bit jealous, sex with a third partry is guaranteed to bring that jealousy out...and to mortally threaten the relationship.
You own jealousy may be the reason you fantasize that the third will be a virgin. Of course, that's about enjoying sadistic power and having forbidden fruit. It may also be about your fear that a woman who's as attractive and as sexually skilled as you are -- and a novelty as well -- might steal your gentleman from you. Finally, you write "I'm o.k. with this, but I find myself thinking about a woman all the time now." Perhaps you're concerned that a three-some might give you license to explore a side of your sexuality that scares you. In any event, we both know that, if you really were "o.k. with this," you'd simply do it; you wouldn't be writing to me about it.
- Annabelle
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