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Q - Dear Annabelle,
Lately my girlfriend and I have been arguing quite
often, but I never start the arguments..
She seems to be looking for things wrong with me. What do I do?
A - Dear Caralis,
Without knowing more about your relationship, (how long youâve been together, etc.,), I would guess that, with this one-sided willingness to argue and nit-pick, your girlfriend thinks itâs time to END the relationship.
I know this is, likely, NOT what you want to hear, but this is an easily recognizable pattern. You might just ask her straight out, ãDO you want to break up?ä Listen to what she says. Sometimes, if people havenât learned effective communication patterns from their parents, an upset or concern on the part of one of the partners can cause a relationship to founder.
**All relationships go through difficult, as well as, wonderful times**............itâs the wonderful times that everyone wants and the difficult times that so few couples are prepared for. At 19, you are young enough to learn better communication skills. For instance, when she starts to argue, you might ask her something along these lines.
ãNow, if I understand you correctly, you are telling me that________ä She may just want to vent her feelings, without your responding at all. She may just need a hug and not know how to ask for it. Or, she may actually need -- and want -- you to Îfixâ something. Women can be mercurial in their feelings and that can be confusing to guys, sometimes. (Hey, itâs not easy for us to figure out all the time, either).
It really does help if the two of you have some shorthand way of communicating what the end goal is at the time the Îargumentâ starts. Remember, does she want you to Îlisten or hug or fixâ........ If itâs none of these, listen to figure out if sheâs using ÎIâ messages. As in, ãWhen you do ___________, I feelä, etc., or if she's just attacking you.
Communication is an excellent skill to develop.....good luck, (to both of you!)
- Annabelle
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