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Q - Dear Annabelle,
Okay, here's the situation. I'm in love with an older man. He's 37 and I'm 21. That's
16 years difference. He's been married and divorced twice and has two kids from the last marriage. He is also madly in love with me. We do everything together. I even love his kids! We are planning on getting married and having children of our own. My problem is that my parents don't approve of him. He has led a very - "colorful" life. He was adopted by a very wealthy family when he was just a baby. His adoptive mother beat him and his adoptive parents got a divorce when he was 8 and he and his adopted sister were left with this abusive mother. This situation caused my love to run away from home repeatedly and get into trouble with the law repeatedly when he was younger. Fights, illegal substances, you name it he's probably charged with it. And he was very open with me about what he's done in his past. He is a very sweet man now who has grown up very well. The only problem is that someone very close to me is a police officer and he looked up my love's record.
Now my parents know everything that he has done. Which includes 3 DWI's within the past 10 years. To this my parents have responded that he is an alcoholic - I don't think that he is-. His record also shows that he had an assault charge against a live-in girlfriend. In black and white it says that he hit this girl, and now my parents are convinced that he'd hit me too. They have confronted me with this information, (both in tears), and have made me promise not to see him again. As far as they are concerned I don't see him, but as I mentioned before - we do everything together. I hate lying to my parents and I hate not being able to include the love of my life in our family gatherings. My man and I are planning on eloping and moving far away from my
parents. This pains me because I love my parents very much and they have always been there for me. I don't want to break their hearts. They never gave my guy a chance though. They don't even know him - except for on paper, they don't know him like I do. I'm in love with him and the only way that I am going to stop seeing him is if he does hit me - which I am positive that he would never do, therefore he's always going to be in my life and I guess I don't know how to show my parents this without
breaking their hearts. Help!
A - Dear Nekola,
Youâre very young.......and this all feels so wonderful and romantic to you. There are warning signs all over the place here, but to you, the red flags are colorful and exciting. (At 21 this is just how life is).....everything is possible and all of life is open and exciting. Now, to the dull old practicalities of the situation. That your parents were in tears tells me, (and should tell you), that they love you very much and are realistically fearful that you may do serious harm to the very person they love so much.
Now look, if this guy is so great, how is it that he would do something that would wrench you away from the family who loves you so and whom you love so very much? You see, one of the really bothersome thing about parents is not only that theyâre really old and boring, but that theyâre usually right in matters of this sort. (Sorry.) Theyâre trying to keep you from a dreadful error....as they see it. Now, lets assume that you ARE right and this guy has transmorgrified into a truly wonderful and delightful fellow and that his having been married a couple of times before were just youthful indiscretions.
OK......now, if it is a good and viable relationship, it will last the requisite two years before engagement. In that two years time you will have ample opportunity to see what his character is really like and your parents will have the opportunity to know that you are still safely unmarried to a person who could hurt their beloved daughter. Now, I notice that by your last name you may be from a culture where families are very close and that loving relationship lasts all of your life. This is a very serious situation where you could, in your impetuousness, cause yourself irreparable harm. Be very careful and and do give this....and yourself some time.
- Annabelle
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