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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My boyfriend and I first went out on July 31,1997. Everything was great for the first three and a half months. then it was like he was pushing me away. We have been back together since February,1998. He finally told me that he loved me on September 3, 1998. When we met, I was a convenience store clerk. I ended up getting a job as a dancer. I was told that dancers make a lot of money. Since my son's birthday is two weeks before Christmas, and my ex-husband refuses to help me financially, I decided to take the job.
I asked my boyfriend if he would mind if I went to work there and he said "No". He said that he had dated dancers before and that it wouldn't cause any problems between us. He took me to get the job. My car tore up the first day there. He loaned me one of his cars. I received several phone numbers and would stick them in my cigarette pack and then when I got in the car I would throw them in the floorboard. (See, I really didn't want the numbers just their tips, money wise.)
I began driving another one of his cars about three months after I worked there. I didn't have a chance to clean it out. I thought that they were going to fix it and that I would be driving it again in a couple of days. I quit working there on December 22,1998. I am now an assistant manager of another convenience store. I quit dancing because I was tired of having to do that for a living. I didn't want my son or other family members finding out. I took the job with intentions on quitting in December.
While I was working there, my boyfriend began accusing me of sleeping with other guys. He still does to this day. I have told him that I will break up with him before I Īsleep aroundā on him. He doesn't believe me. He asked us to move in around Christmas and we did. At first it was tough because our kids didn't like us or each other. Now that is straightened out. He is continuously asking me if I saw my other boyfriend and such things as that. I have asked him not to say that because it makes me mad. I have threatened to leave several times, but I couldn't even pack everything. I didn't really want to go, I just wanted him to ask me to stay and show me that he believes in us.
To make everything worse, Monday he started cleaning up the car that had tore up. He found two phone numbers. He was furious!! See, I had asked him to get rid of a pair of panties one of his ex's gave him, some girl's phone numbers and some naked photos he had of some of his ex's. He finally agreed, but then I couldn't throw them away. I figured if he wanted them thrown away, he would have done it himself. He asked me to leave for a few days so we could have time to think and then Wednesday we would talk. So, I went to my daddy's. He called me on Tuesday and asked me if I wanted to talk that night and I asked him if he had made his mind up on exactly where he wanted our relationship to go and he said Īnoā. So I told him to think about it one more night and that we would talk on Wednesday.
The talk did not go good at all. He refused to tell me what he wanted. He kept telling me to do whatever made me happy. I told him that I wanted to stay with him and then he began asking me why. After a two hour talk and a lot of tears from me I could only assume that he didn't want to see me anymore. Then he began to say that he never asked me to leave, that I was doing it because I wanted to. I told him that he never told me that he wanted me here. He said he never asked me to leave. I was very upset and he told me that if I would stay the night that he would sleep on the couch.
He said that he didn't want me driving if I was upset. He said that I could make my mind up today as to what I want. I know what I want. If I don`t get to see him or talk to him during the day, it's like a piece of the puzzle is missing and you don't feel like you can go any further in the puzzle if you don't find it. I see us as a puzzle really. Everything that we do or say is like another piece. The days that he tells me he loves me is like all the pieces fit so perfectly.
It's like that when he holds me and makes me feel secure. When he's being a jerk, it's like I can't find the right piece of puzzle. I want him to love me and hold me. If I were to lose him, it would like someone took that very important piece of puzzle away. I would miss everything about him, even
his aggravating remarks. I know I can make it on my own. I did it for two years. I just don't want to. We both had marriages that ended in ugly divorces. I sometimes think that he is afraid I will do him like his ex did. He is usually sweet, he a great father, a hard worker, he doesn't drink or do
drugs. He is the only man that has ever made me feel like I am a person. He was always sensitive to my wants and needs. That is how I want things to be again. I am at a loss. I want to be with him, but I'm not sure what he wants. If I tell him that I want to stay he asks me why. If I tell him that I am going to leave, he says for me to remember that he never asked me to.
A - Dear Kerry,
I keep reading your letter trying to come up with a better answer...but itās always the same. (This is really a mess!) It would be a very good idea if the two of you could find a GOOD counselor in your area and go in for couples work. Youāve got so may conflicting issues here, influenced by individual confusions of who each of you are, that, as a couple, your ongoing conflicts are all but guaranteed. You are each giving mixed messages, and each of you has individual Īstuffā, (technical term, do not try this at home), that is all mixed up.........again, a Ītechnical termā. ; )
Seriously, you each need to clarify the things influencing your behaviors........this is not a straight line and itās guaranteed to continue to create problems. That you are living together, unmarried, and you have children is very bad for the children as well. If you can find a competent couples counselor, start work with that person and, in about six months, youāll each have a clearer idea of how each of you are influencing, not only your own thinking, but the continuity of the relationship...which, at this point, is virtually guaranteed to go down in flames.
- Annabelle
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