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Q - Dear Annabelle,
7 years ago I discovered that I couldn't hold my liquor. I wound up at AA and then found out that a LOT of other things were wrong with my life as well. Notably, I was dishonest, unable to keep any promises and a total male slut. To stay alive and sober, I had to become an entirely new person.
Since that time I've stayed sober, clean and acquired an education along with a good job. I'm also very proud of the fact that I have lead a chaste lifestyle since I entered AA.
My new way of living presents certain challenges when dating, however. Most of the women I date seem to want to go to bars/lounges a fair bit & it's something I'm not comfortable doing. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I *am* an alky and have no business being in those places. It doesn't bother me if my date has a glass of wine
with dinner, but bars are not an option for me.
My insisting on attending at least two AA meetings a week has been a source of friction in some relationships as well. While I do enjoy attending meetings, I mostly attend them as a matter of survival. The majority of people I've known who stopped going to meetings have fallen off the wagon. I've worked too hard to make
something of my life to screw things up now!!! I don't want my girlfriend to feel relegated to the back burner by my placing a priority on going to meetings, but where will I be if I don't attend them? And is there a proper way to handle this?
My biggest handicap with dating, however, is my refusal to have pre-marital sex. Maybe God does have a sense of humour because nowadays it's ME who is getting pressured into unwanted sex, (firmly placing the shoe on the other foot).
I've suffered through too many relationships where all we had in common was the sex. I'm looking for someone to have a family with, that I can love and who can love me even when age has ravaged our looks and our physical desires for one another. But how am I going to find this if I'm being led around by glands?
I'm not a religious fanatic, I'm just a guy who has learned a few hard lessons and had to grow up. And I'm frustrated with being treated like a leper simply because I'm a non-drinker who doesn't believe in screwing around. I don't know who my wife is, but I've been faithful toher and our future family for the past seven years... That's gotta count for something, right?
A - Dear Sean,
Youāve got my vote!! (Ladies out there, note that there ARE decent and terrific guys available......and THIS is what they sound like!
Now, that youāre meeting women who want to go to bars, just indicates that youāre not yet in the right arena. Not ALL ladies go to bars.......(actually, unless one is looking to end up with a drinker, going to bars is a really bad idea). Iāve heard that the part of the world where you live is awash in some pretty wonderful people...I would hope that there is also a large and thriving singles population as well.
Do you need to defend what you know to be true about yourself? Absolutely not ........any more than you would need to defend being a diabetic. Understanding that you have the gene for alcoholism is a big, and important, step.....it could be that you also have a propensity for depression and that is eaisly treated these days. If you have an addictive component as well, then that the attending the AA meetings is not more than twice a week should not be a problem. Some addicts replace one addiction with another and the 12-step programs sometimes become another facet of the addiction, albeit, a less lethal one.
That you have realized the value of not trivializing sex says volumes about your character and that your values are well defined......that youāve matured into a real adult. I hear your frustration in the dating arena. Again, you may not yet have Īresetā your Ī(what I call Īradio dialā) and are still programmed to attract sex hungry females. You didināt state your age, however if your church singles groups in that great country are as active as they are in the US, you should be able to begin finding women more to your liking. There is currently a move to return to modesty in females and a general improvement in peopleās behavior overall, so donāt be discouraged.
Thank you for such a refreshing letter! Keep up the good work.......!
- Annabelle
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