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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am a 28-year old divorced woman in love with a 42-year old divorced male with two teenage daughters, both of whom reside with their mother.
We met each other in the workplace the first time we laid eyes on each other we were instantly attracted. However, I put him WAY out of my head because at the time I was engaged and getting ready to get married. Sadly, around 7 months after the wedding, my husband and I started having serious problems. He began to try and 'control' me in ways he'd never done in the 5 years that we had lived together and he even ended up having an affair. Crushed, humiliated and broken-hearted, we separated and eventually divorced.
During our separation, the gentleman I mentioned above surfaced in my life and we began to see each other. I don't know how it happened, but we suddenly fell madly in love with each other. He helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life which really bonded us, and I gave him a happiness he hadn't experienced in many years.
It has been almost a year since we started seeing each other and we feel more and more in love with each other with every passing day. However, even though we share something truly special, I have a few concerns that we haven't been able to address.
One of them is a family issue. Despite the fact that I'm recently divorced, which puts me in a vulnerable position with my family in terms of introducing someone new to them, I've introduced him to them without fear of judgment or disapproval. Yet he's been unable to introduce me to his family, his two daughters, in particular. At one point, he even told a friend of mine that he was avoiding introducing me to them but offered no reason as to why. This really has me perplexed. Part of me wonders if he's ashamed because of our age difference and another part of me wonders if it's a sign that he's not planning on having a more committed relationship with me.
The second item is, he's had a vasectomy. I do want at least one child of my own, but he seems dead set against having another. Yet he contradicts himself because he adores children and even jokes around about the two of us having them... "what if"... I know that he loves me enough that I could talk him into it, (with the appropriate medical technology, that is), but I would never make anyone do anything they weren't 100% sure was right.
We haven't discussed either of these issues - I've been trying to respect his privacy. It's not as if I need to have this information immediately. But in a way, I do. I'm not getting any younger either! You'd think that after a year we could talk about these things openly. I suppose I'm just afraid that if I talk to him about this he will freak out and
leave me. I know how difficult both issues are for him and I don't want him to feel like giving up. Is this an impossible relationship?
A - Dear Lisa,
Youāve asked a very perceptive question. While I donāt know the details of just WHY it is you havenāt been introduced, you have do deal with what IS, and it sounds as if you have a fair grip on that already. It could be, that for him, you are a wonderful and joyous interlude, while, for you, he is someone whom youād like to marry and with whom youād like to have children. Often, questions are not asked because we are fearful of the answers,( which, in many cases we already Īknowā.)
You might approach him with...., ćPerhaps Iām imagining things, Iād like to meet your daughters and have felt that you are reluctant to introduce me. What might I do for you to feel more comfortable?ä Well, there it will be, Īout thereā to be dealt with. Yes, itās scary......however, if your goal is getting married and having children, perhaps this isnāt the fellow for you. (I know that may be a very upsetting thought.) For what itās worth, 29 or 30 is certainly not too late to marry, and more and more people are having children at later and later ages. One of our department heads, at 50, has a very young child, so it really depends on the health, genetic makeup, and stamina of the people involved.
Is having children Īlater in lifeā more or less difficult? Well, the only real Īloserā is the child who wonāt have parents for as long a time as he or she might otherwise have them. No one is ever ready to lose a parent and that is probably the greatest concern in the matter. Today, everyone lives ever so much longer than they used to, and both stamina and energy last a decade or two longer than in the past. This is something you need to think about. However, the FIRST thing you need to be clear about is what it is thatās really going on in his mind..and in yours.
- Annabelle
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