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Q - Dear Annabelle,
After reading through your letters I thought I would send one to see if it helps to ease the pain that I am experiencing now. My present emotional turmoil has been brought about by my own actions. I was in a 2 and a half year relationship with a 25 year old guy. He treated me so well throughout our relationship. We had quite a few arguments, probably more than what a couple should have. However, although I agree with you that it takes two people to have an argument, I feel as though I completely over-reacted to situations that seem very trivial to me now. He forgave me so many times for how I reacted and the things that I said, and I believe that most of these arguments could have been avoided if I was off the pill. This may sound like a lame excuse for my behavior, but I really do feel like it turns me into a demented bitch who flies off the handle or reacts negatively to little things.
I have only accepted my problem with the pill now, and denied any suggestion by my mum that the pill was making me hard to get along with. Although my ex boyfriend did do things that would cause minor arguments with another couple, they really hurt him and he finally had enough of us arguing and ended just 3 days ago. I am heartbroken, I always thought that was such a stupid girlie word up until now, as I now know what it feels like to have your heart literally hurt. Although during our 2 1/2 year relationship, I too, considered breaking up, I thought about my life without him and how I feel about him and found a way to make up with him, with me always apologizing, not him. He couldn't take my hurtful behavior anymore, and now I feel so incredibly guilty and pathetic for ruining our relationship.
I can't seem to get past the fact that he seems happy now and is not missing me. He is the type of guy who would admit to me if he did miss me, there isn't a power thing between us. It makes things worse that he has moved on and I am stuck in a dark hole thinking of him with other girls in our bed and in his house. I know it is wrong to control him, but it is just so hard to be the one feeling guilty and hurt while he is happy and can get over it. Just in case you need to know, our arguments were over things such as his friends, they were in my opinion users, one staged a break in at his house and took all his stuff, the other is a bum who borrows videos from him and then goes and pawns them in for money.
Every time I tried to explain to him that his friends were no good, he told me that it was his problem, not mine, but expected me to be there to pick up the pieces. Another troublesome issue was very troubled and sexually promiscuous girls hanging around his shop and him giving them the attention that they were looking for, (not sex), even when he knew that they were interested in him and paid them attention when he knew I wouldn't be coming in to see him. Sorry about my long letter, but I want to stop feeling guilty and experiencing this terrible feeling of missing someone so bad and all the good times that we had. I am not good at adjusting to someone not needing me anymore. Please, please help me, any advice would be wonderful.
A - Dear Kelly,
What you are experiencing is what ANY one would experience when a relationship ends.....(even the worst relationship in the world.) Too, guys can Ījust go onā, whether we like it or not. They are not, necessarily, bothered by all these female emotions. It could just be that it was time for the relationship to be over....things do have a natural cycle and, since there was no commitment involved that would have had the two of you deciding to work things out when difficulties arose, well, heās on to warmer pastures...and another bed. Sorry.
There is simply a period of adjustment between having a relationship and not having one. It could be, too, that you have something of a dependent personality and cannot easily be alone...thatās something with which you could use some professional help. Too, that you know yourself to be negatively affected by the birth control pills is your responsibility. Itās not fair for your moods to spill over onto someone else, ...especially when those moods are troublesome.
Too, any fellow who has troubled friends IS a troubled person....our friends are a reflection of who WE are. (Thatās why he defended them)........he picked them.
Youāre only 21, and, risking creating a baby if youāre off the pill....and risking a baby when youāre ON the pill. (What? You didnāt read the package insert? You didnāt KNOW that ALL forms of birth control fail?) You might want to give this some more thought.
- Annabelle
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