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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. We have broken up twice but we are still together. However, there are many thing about my boyfriend that I can't understand. He has never allowed me to go clubbing with him and he plans getaways with his friends and doesn't invite me. Although, he also tries to plan trips with me alone. But I feel very left out.
You see, I use to have many friends but, he used to be very possessive and for his sake, I drifted very far apart from my friends and they no longer call me or ask me out. Nowadays, I try asking them out but, I find myself having nothing to say to them or rather, I find that I have lost myself to an extent that I feel very insignificant and small. ( I am rather small size as well), among everybody. And now that my boyfriend has matured, he has found a bunch of very good friends and they go clubbing every week without me. I love going clubbing but, there is no one to go with me and my boyfriend is dead against being me with him.
Why is this so? And I also don't enjoy going out with anybody else except my boyfriend. When I am out with whatever friends I find or call, I am always thinking of him. I thought of leaving him to start finding myself, but then I know that he will get over me a lot easier than me getting over him and I will have nobody to hang out with or talk to. When I ask him about the break-up, he says Înot nowâ. I know that he loves me but not as much as before. I think I still love him although, I think he is maturing while I am becoming more possessive and more pathetic. Sometimes, it gets so bad that I think of disappearing from the surface of this world.
A - Dear Mel,
Well, donât Îdisappear from the surface of this worldâ....(letâs see if we canât think of a better plan). It sounds as if you may be depressed .........and you certainly do sound dependent. Now, Iâd recommend a medical checkup and a talk with a good therapist to determine your best course of action...and ACTION, in the service of your SELF, is a very good plan. (Think of how it is that a young child doesnât want to be separate from the parent.) Thatâs, essentially what youâre doing with your boyfriend. Youâve give over your Îselfâ to the imagined protection of an Îotherâ.
In adult folk, this doesnât work. You need to develop a plan whereby you have your OWN life........then people will be attracted to YOU, youâll feel stronger and more worthy, .......and your world wonât be full of anxious and lonely moments. When youâve grown your SELF into a whole and distinct person, you will be a good deal happier with YOU. This only sounds difficult. (OK, it IS difficult), but worth doing. What it takes is an awareness of where you are now and where you want to go...and then the determination, as well as the knowledge, of how to get there. As with most things in life, you just DO it. Good luck!
- Annabelle
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