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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half. We are very much in
love and hope to get married within the next two years. We have discussed living together for quite some time before we get married, however my family is against it. They feel as though - it is very untraditional for their only daughter to "live" with someone before getting married.
I love my boyfriend with all my heart - but my family is important to me too. I have
explained to them what our situation will be like until we know we're ready to get
married- but they refuse to give me their blessing. I'm torn between following my heart and losing their respect.
Should I reconsider?
A - Dear Angelica,
What you think are your parents being Îold fuddy-duddysâ is really good sound counsel, (darn).....look......this is one of the Îthings that really count in lifeâ....and Iâll tell you why. What you THINK about Îhow things areâ is more profound than it sounds. If, in your life, you always go with your FEELINGS, rather than with what is RIGHT, then you will be open to doing whatever Îfeels goodâ at the moment. Marriage, Îrealâ marriage, is a Sacrament...........not just Îadvanced datingâ. Now, if you have no boundaries, just the Îhey, weâre going to get married anywayâ....(or, in your case, ÎHOPE to get married anywayâ), then youâve actually robbed yourself of a boundary and focus that would have been to your benefit.
You see, if marriage, to you, is just Îliving together and getting the goodiesâ, then you will have missed the point. Young children want what they want when they want it. Grownups have learned to postpone gratification for the sake of a greater good. Now, if you and your boyfriend treat Îliving togetherâ so casually, then IF you do get married, the commitment to making things work is lessened because you did not set conditions for yourselves before living together....you just went ahead and took the frosting without being sure the cake was underneath. Too, at 22, you are still in a maturational development stage where things can change a great deal...things like whom you WILL marry. (Bit of a scary thought?) So, if you DONâT marry him you will have lost the chance to live with him and you think youâd better hurry up and do that now.
Now if you DONâT marry, you will have already lived with a guy and taken that away from the fellow you DO marry. Statistical studies, (those dreadfully boring things that exist despite what we WANT),.......show that couples who live together are less likely to marry and are more likely to breakup if they DO marry....again, itâs the boundary and commitment issue. Are there exceptions to the Îstatisticsâ....NO......everything is part of the curve. Where will YOU fall on the curve? Well, if you havenât taken the time to make something separate and special, if you are willing to just rush past an important demarcation and into the good stuff without strengthening your character before partaking, then when the inevitable bad and boring stuff wanders along, the chances of the two of you having the fortitude to work things through is greatly lessened.
You see Angelica, by not living together, youâre not denying yourselves anything, youâre actually building your first really important commitment together. If you can do that now, you are more likely to treat your future lives with more respect as well. Sex is great, proximity can be any number of things....rushing past things that ARE important to reach something that is better achieved in a Sacramental context changes the achievement and trivializes it. Make up your own mind......but know what you are risking.
- Annabelle
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