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Q - Dear Annabelle,
For the past 6 months I was working at a horse farm for a man in exchange for my horseās board. I fell for this guy big time! We are the same age, have the same passion for horses and quite a few other interests. We never dated or were intimate, but he definitely was interested in me. A couple of times when I was out there in the evening to ride my horse he got a little drunk and would fall into me. He also
would touch my face to wipe some dirt off. I really thought things were heading in the right direction even though he had never asked me out.
I'm a victim of sexual abuse so I was frightened by his attention but I was determined to get over it. I thought we had all the time in the world. I guess he didn't though. He had been seeing another woman with 3 children (not his) all along and I didn't even know she existed. I wasn't the only one surprised, some of his friends were too. Now I'm
wondering if maybe he felt that I was convenient because I was right there.
He knew I liked him, and when I finally asked him about her he wouldn't even look me in the eye. He also called me from her house the morning I finally decided to ask him about her, (I have caller ID). In a previous conversation we had, he'd said that he wasn't a game player. If he isn't a game player than how come he never mentioned this girl that he is now as he put it " as involved as a man and woman can be", that really hurt. He tried acting like business as usual the next day and expected me to do the same. I spoke to him only when necessary and three weeks later I sold my horse and now I don't work for him.
I've had relationships but I never felt like this for ANY man. What little self confidence I had has been badly beaten. Sometimes I want to die so the pain will end. My family isn't supportive at all. My mother is so negative about things that all I end up doing when I talk to her is feeling even worse. I don't know how to get over this. Was it
all in my head? I know I shouldn't feel foolish for loving someone bit I do. It was hell the three weeks that it took to sell my horse, especially when he would have Īherā come out.
What did I do wrong? How do I learn to love myself so that other people
will to? Thanks for listening.
A - Dear Melanie,
I think it is fair to tell you that you got had by a con man. There are men....and women.....in this world who can Īsenseā prey....and, from your description of yourself, when you came into this guys range he just did what these predators to.......you were a perfect match for what he does best, and thatās conning weak women. (You might want to stop labeling yourself as a Īvictimā)....that hurts your inner self. Try saying to yourself that ĪI didnāt know better before and now I do.ā...that puts you more in a position of strength.
The good news is that youāve now had the experience of this type of guy, and now you know how they operate. (ANY time your Īradarā starts buzzing pay attention.) You were just in over your head emotionally and didnāt want to see what was there to be seen. That you didnāt know doesnāt make you a bad person....I absolutely guarantee that these guys are Īout thereā and youāre not the first.....or the last..... to have been taken in.
I DO recommend that you find a good psychologist and do a couple of years of serious work to get yourself into better condition. That you came from a dysfunctional family isnāt news, almost everyone has, but that you havenāt developed coping skills worthy of your hopes is what you want to work on. Go find someone really talented and work hard.....youāll come to a new understanding of yourself and find someone....a good someone this time,.........and start living a fuller and richer life.
Anyone who can control a horse can learn to control themselves......get out there and put yourself through the course.....itāll be very much worth your while.
- Annabelle
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