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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I met my boyfriend when I was 23 and he was 18. We dated for 2 years but split up
twice during this time. He left me twice because of other women. The first time he left me for 3 weeks and came crawling back to me after the woman left him. The second time he left me for 4 months, the woman left him for someone else and he came back yet again. He said the reason he left me the first time was because I was going out with my friends all the time and made little effort to see him, (that's true). The second time he left me because he was getting bored. He admits now that he is ready to settle down and have a serious relationship with me and says that he deeply regrets leaving me. He also told me that I am much prettier, more successful, kinder etc. that the other 2 women but that he is constantly scared that I will leave him for someone else.
Men find me very attractive and I have no trouble meeting guys. My boyfriend is
jealous and a bit possessive and he told ! me he feels more secure with an unattractive, unsuccessful woman. I'm not usually a doormat, but I love him very much and told him that this was the very last chance I was going to give him, (I mean it this time). He wants us to move in together after Christmas and hopefully get married in a year or so. From what I have told you do you think he is a bad type? I don't want to get hurt again.
A - Dear Manuela,
Well, almost NO body wants to Īget hurt againā, but, in truth, until weāve learned the lesson life is trying to teach us, well, Īhurtā is an indicator that ĪTHIS isnāt working. Isnāt it interesting how people are just drawn to people who Īhurtā them? Why do you suppose that is?
Do you think it might be that the Īniceā people....the ones who would be good and honest and faithful, (all the stuff that everyone SAYS they want), just arenāt as interesting as the ones who Īhurtā people?
From what youāve told me, he doesnāt sound like anyone Iād be hanging around with, but your tolerance or, (and need for), pain and mine may be very different. How interesting that THIS is the guy you Īlove very muchā..........who else, in your early family life treated you this way? (Did you know that, at about four, little girls have a Īlove affairā with their daddies and, if their daddies are very busy outside the home, or are otherwise inaccessible, that the little girls can grow up believing that Īloveā means finding an unreliable man?
If you Īdonāt want to get hurt againā....get thee to a good psychologist and explore your need to stay with someone like this.
Oh, and something else...........you said ĪI mean it THIS time!ā.......does that mean you say things you DONāT mean? Now, WHY would you ever do that???
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Thank you for replying to my email. I agree with what you say and have decided to see a psychologist and find out why I am attracted to bad types. Do you think that guys like my boyfriend treat all women badly or just me because I was so soft with him? Do you think that guys like him look out for vulnerable women that they can treat badly?
A - Dear Manuela,
Yes, guys Īwho treat women badlyā ,..........well, that just what they do. They have Īstuffā left over from babyhood with their moms, (thatās a VERY simplistic statement), and, forevermore, they're going to find women they sense as weak to Īget back atā. The long explanation is a REALLY long, (and convoluted), because no two people or developmental arrangements are the same.
On thing to remember in the world......people, men AND women, get to be JUST who they are. And, one Ībookendā will always look for its match. Right now, you are a Īmatchā for an abuser......(thatās where the psychologist comes in). Once youāve worked .....HARD......you will look back, (it will take about two years of work), on your current Īselfā and feel SO relieved that you are attracting strong and healthy relationships.
Remember, sadists and masochists Īdanceā.......yet it is the masochist who has the power. (Isnāt the unconscious interesting?) You CAN do this....get started! And youāll find that the Īnew and improved youā is sooo much more fun to be!)
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
I've already made an appointment with a psychologist and I hope my life will improve from now on. I don't want to meet any more Ībad guysā.
A - Dear Manuela,
Oh, you'll continue to meet bad guys.......the GOOD NEWS is that, after six months to a couple of year's work with the psychologist, (an excellent investment on your part), you won't 'resonate' to the 'bad guys' overtures any more........you'll be free of the need to hook up with them.
You'll have learned to love the 'good guys'........and to let them love you!
- Annabelle
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