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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I don't really know what to think about the current relationship I am in now and
hoped that you could provide a bit of insight. I don't mean to make this long, but I think
it's important to know where we both are coming from.
I have been seeing my guy now for 7 months, but we have known each other for
almost 6 years. we went to the same college and worked together in the city at the
same company for almost a year. Ironically, it was only after we both quit that we
started seeing each other. It all happened most unexpectedly. In college, I only knew of him because I was his TA (teacher's assistant) even though he was a grade above me.
Also, i knew him because I knew the girls he dated. They were all THE MOST
GORGEOUS GIRLS in school. I actually didn't think very highly of him in college. I
thought he was a tuff-guy, a heavy party guy, and a bit of a snob. He never came to class and the girls he dated were beautiful, but b*tchy. I worked my way through college and, because of a very abusive family/social upbringing, I didn't have a very healthy self-image. I knew I was talented, though, it was the only thing I could ever count on, my work. In turn, I didn't date much and broke up with every guy I actually did (date). i was known as "the Ice Queen". However, I was not disliked. I had many
friends and was very active socially. People knew me as nice, but a control-freak.
When I moved to the city, I became a lot more sure of myself and felt very free from
my former, stifling life. My family no longer controlled me, and I could face my
abusive past without fearing the outcome. I went out a lot as well, my friends being in
the music and club industry. I eventually started to see guys as well, dating one of them for a year and 1/2. I broke up with him because although we respected each other so much, it was a timid relationship, built from convenience, not passion. All this time, I was working at the same company as my now boyfriend. He had changed a lot since college, as I had, he was now a hard-working, talented, thoughtful person who just stepped out of a 3 year relationship with a girl who ended up cheating on him with her 50 year old boss. We became friends.
When I quit the company, we started hanging out socially and hooked-up one night out of the blue. It was entirely unexpected! but for the first time in my life, i didn't mind. At first, he ! treated me like gold. We were full of passion and excitement. I found myself telling him things I never told anyone about.
But 4 months into it, we got into an argument. He was so jaded with the NY scene,
while I was very active in it ,and even though I respected his attitude about it, he did not respect my involvement in it. The argument somehow turned into a fight about us and we did not speak for a week. It was the most grueling week of my life. I had never
before fought with someone and still wanted to be with them. I realized then that i was
"in love" with him. The feeling scared me since everyone in my life so far had betrayed
my love. I think now he too was scared, because he had spent all his feelings for a girl
who cheated on him. We make quite a couple, eh?
Even after we got back together, we never talked about the fight. But I think I am in love with him. We seem to keep running into all his ex-girlfriends, which is making me jealous cause they were all so gorgeous and he still talks to some of them. Also, they make me scared because almost all of them went crazy over him, psycho even! I try not to show any of my doubts to him. I trust him with everything, but my fears.
Well, now he just got an excellent job offer, but it is on the other side of the country. Since we've only been together for a few months, I feel I don't have the right to ask him to stay in this relationship. I'm caught between my feelings and my logical side which questions: is this relationship worth continuing? I may move out there as well, for my own career, but that is uncertain. We haven't talked about it yet, but I know we are both thinking about it.
I am afraid to ask him what he thinks. All I know is that no guy has ever made me rethink everything the way he has. I had finally come to a point in my life where I didn't have to depend on anybody, I had a healthy self-image, and confidence. Lately, I've been feeling a bit insecure, (that i don't measure up to his ex's), that maybe I'm just another in a long line of want-to -be the ones. But is it his fault? or is it mine for liking him so much?
We get along as lovers and as friends, and the thought that I may be losing both is
making me go crazy. I don't want to freak him out, though, and tell him that. We are
both very proud people, stubborn as mules. Should I just end this relationship before he does? That way I can save myself from the pain of rejection? Or should I have "faith" that if we are really "in love", this relationship will endure the long distance? Or worst, are we just fooling ourselves into thinking we are compatible when what we really are is lonely?
He makes me laugh and cry, happy and angry at the same time. Before i REALLY get into this whole thing and lose myself, is it better to be safe than sorry? Should I cut this thing off before I'm left in the deep end? For as strong and well-adjusted I strive to be, I am just as vulnerable and fragile. The "beast" has stared me straight in the eyes and I've found my own gaze faltering. please help.
A - Dear Mickey,
Answer #1:
Oh, heck, what have you got to lose. Do it. Now the caveat. When you GET to the Īother side of the countryā get yourself a good shrink and spend time working out your Īstuffā. You sound fine...just need to look at some of your beliefs. If, by chance, youāre in Southern California, I know an absolutely amazingly talented shrink whoās just been made department head and would be pleased to recommend him to you. Most good shrinks are gifted, but with this one, you'd get brilliance as well....helps the work along.
Answer #2
You have a couple of Īred flagā statements here. Instead of being Īafraidā just ask the question. Listen if this IS going to work out, then marriage is for a REALLY long time. Communication is really important and you need to have the courage to state your concerns.
If itās NOT going to work out, knowing now is not that much different from knowing later....the result is the same. Actually you have a better chance if you just ASK THE QUESTION. Going through life being afraid wastes time and energy. I KNOW youāre bonkers about this guy. Sometimes things go both ways, you know.
Concern: He may be of a personality type that is unmarriageable.......thatās something to check with your shrink about. You havenāt told me enough for me to be sure, but Iām picking up something here.
Now, if you DO move out to the other side of the country and your goal is marriage, DONāT move in with him. Bad plan. Oh, BTW, heās with YOU, not the Īothersā.......got it?
Take care.....
- Annabelle
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